I want you to know happiness. Happiness so big and full that your chest fills up like helium into a balloon and there is water in your eyes like before a sneeze – happiness like a revelation.
I want you to have happiness always. Not just after the promotion or on the vacation or when you unwrap the gift you were hoping for. I want you to have happiness in the thick hug of your blankets and the crisp air outside of them. Happiness in sublime moments and boring ones.
I want you to be sad.
I want you to know how it feels to cry so hard that you stop caring how loud you are crying and you wail at the top of your lungs wondering if the sound of it will heal you, and somehow, it does.
You can’t understand the value of happy until you have been this sad.
You don’t know how deep a bucket can plunge into the well of your heart until you have heard your grieving voice echoing from it.
Sweetheart, your well is deep.
I want you do be sorry.
I want you to fuck up, and know it, and I want you to feel wretched and small and like a coward in the face of blame.
Because I want you to learn the redemption of forgiveness.
The relief of being forgiven and forgiving and even just forgiving yourself. Like popping out of the ocean into the warm sun and taking a breath.
Sweetheart, you will float.
I want you to be angry.
Angry until you shake. Bitter crushing angry like a lemon in a fist. Anger that will eat you up like battery acid if you don’t smash something innocent and fragile. Smash something.
If you want to learn something about yourself, look at your reflection when you’re angry.
Anger is the ankle-biting puppy of passion. It’s the bitter little seed you water until you have grown a garden of strength, and resolve, and personal values.
Sweetheart, tend that garden.
I've picked a thousand shards of my broken heart off the ground terrified I would never put it back together the same and sweetheart, I was right.
But the new shape is better, and stronger, and holds more.
I have cried and cried and I am so glad that I have cried because I know how deep my well is so I can lower you all the way down.
I have hurt and I have been hurt and I am glad for the hurt because I have sank so deep that now I float in my shoes.
I have screamed and smashed, a thousand times, and I am glad that I have because now I have a garden of passion lush around me.
To feel a feeling that isn't happy is to learn and grow and become acquainted with your humanity. And this is where that true happiness comes from. Not the gift kind or the vacation kind. The helium balloon kind that grabs a hold when you are walking down the street minding your own business.
I love you .